[fiction] [orig] White Goddess

She was beautiful, you know? Really beautiful, and then she'd smile in that goofy sort of way that made her look like some kind of clown, and it was like, she knew how she looked but she didn't want to be stuck inside it, she'd rather be out there sharing it with you.

My family didn't understand her. They couldn't figure out what she saw in me, either, for what it's worth... Hell, I couldn't see why she bothered with me myself. I'd be over to the barn fixing something... I've never been good with animals, I don't really like 'em and they know it, so with Jack in charge of things I just leave 'em alone, I just keep to myself pretty much, I keep things from falling apart, all the little things nobody's got time to fix, I fix 'em... So I'd be busy fixing something and then I'd look up from what I was doing and there she was, like she'd been there all along, just watching me, with the secret kind of smile on her face, not the goofy kind, the secret kind that made me wonder just how much smarter than me she really was.

She'd talk with me while I worked, asking me things about what I was doing, what I wanted to do with myself, what I wanted out of life... All the things I think about and don't tell anyone, she seemed to know just what to say to get me to talk about them, like it was just passing the time, you know?

I'd quit when it was just getting too dark to see what I was doing, even with the light on, and then she'd take me by the hand, like a little kid, and she'd take me somewhere out in the woods to show me something she'd found.

Once or twice that'd be something she thought I oughta know about, like when Mrs. Ansa went missing, she showed me where she'd found her, with her hip broken, and I went back and got my brothers and we got her out of there alive. It was cold that night, too, the cold would've killed her.

Most of the time, though, it was something pretty she'd found, like the way the sunset turned the rocks rosy and made everything twinkle over by the lake, or the song the wind made in those big pines out in the woods, something you just don't think to notice until she showed you and then it was like something magic, nobody could've found it but her.

No, I don't remember how she dressed. Nothing special, no long dress, if that's what you mean. It never crossed my mind, to tell you the truth.

You know... I wouldn't admit it to just anyone, especially not my family, not after what happened, but... I really miss her. I... I loved her, you know? I didn't know how to tell her, and I really didn't think I ought to, not really; I mean, what good would it do? I'm nothing, I'm just the third son on a broke-down farm, I don't think I'm all that bright, about all I'm good for is fix-up... What kind of life would it be, being my wife? That's what I thought. I really didn't know much about her, but I just knew she could go places I never would, she already knew things I could never learn.

Hell, I didn't know anything about her, really. I didn't ask and she didn't tell me. No, I didn't know she'd been dead for six years until they killed her, and I didn't find out about that until my brother took me down to the county seat to show me her grave, it broke open and all. There wasn't much left of her then, just some rags around that big stake, it sure didn't look like her anymore.

Why'd they have to do that do her? She didn't hurt anybody, even the preacher admitted she didn't. So she ran down a few head of livestock that were where they weren't supposed to be, is that such a crime? We lost three dogs when they got over onto the Brady place, you know he keeps a loaded 12-gauge ready for anybody and anything that doesn't say may-I. Nobody put a stake through him and cut off his head and filled his mouth with garlic.

They keep saying she was unclean and evil. Mister, I don't care what they say... she was beautiful. She knew how to care, and she was beautiful.

Maybe that's what they killed her for... Everybody around here is so busy trying to get ahead, or just trying to make ends meet, and all the women are so busy with their men and their kids they've all gone to pot... No babies for her kind, not that I've heard, and I never even thought of her that way the whole time I knew her. Yeah, that's probably it. They killed her because she had time to be beautiful.

Since I wrote it in the 80's, this story has seen publication in enough out-of-the-way places that I don't consider it saleable. Accordingly, I'm posting it here with my fanfic byline, sharing it around.

C&C welcome: siaru@stormbringer.org